Imprint.

A fever took hold of yesterday when I was lying in bed, trying to surrender myself to somnia. Instead my mind began racing, first pulling me beyond this earth and this very reality itself, so I was looking in on our plane of reality from the outside – which is remarkably hard to make sense of when stripped of the inherent understanding of universal law – then right into the subjective, the world, and my life, illuminating its every detail and flaw. Such velocity in leaps of logical understanding left me dizzy and my heart pumping, but an exhilarating mental clarity followed. The subsequent vivid realisations were thus;

Someone like me will never be happy unless they feel they are adequately validating their existence. To authenticate my very being, I need to express myself in a manner which frees me from all preconcieved psychological barriers to freedom. I must justify my existence by pushing boundaries, creatively, emotionally and empirically, as my revelation seemed to word it, “expand the perameters of what it is to be alive”, at least in my own perception. This is where it gets both abstract yet oddly personal, where I concluded that I must “be all the people I never knew I could be”, encompassing extreme and intense experiences and situations. Frenzied notes followed; “relationships, settings, roles, personalities, positions, desires, spirits… characters, through many ages.” In hindsight, I guess I was realising I wanted to be everything.

The spurt of inspiration began to form a clearer aim beyond obscure conceptualism. The imperitive emphasis was with exploring the real core of who I am now, as well as all that I can be. The dichotomy lay in specialising in being, as well as diversifying throughout the course of life. Living one thousand different lives while running on an undercurrent of one true essence, in actuality of living and in values.

Then how to view such existence as I may progress towards it was detailed; “Exist for myself as well as other people, but exist within other people as well as just myself. Objectify as well as subjectify”. If my soul was telling me I needed to try and fulfil my deepest desire to become everything, then it was also telling me to view it every which way, through the eyes of everyone. Why do I yearn for such broad scope? Why does my being need to scale such impossible heights to reach fulfilment? At times I don’t even understand what it is that any of this could mean in reality, and scrap the concept as futile insanity. But at others I comprehend what it is I am trying to realise with a burning lucidity, and again my heart pumps, and I am more awake and removed from the trappings of the real world than ever, and it pains me.

Whether I am insane or not, I do not know. But the purpose of my being can be reduced to its most basic platform; leave an imprint. And perhaps that is the most human desire every mortal posesses.

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